Getting married felt like hitting the lottery of romantic relationships. Not because marriage is a promise of all life’s problems coming to an end, but because I had escaped the tumultuous waters of dating and had been brought to safe shores where the dating games would finally be over. The questions of when would I meet the right man and get married were officially done. As we approach our third anniversary it still seems like yesterday that we left our single lives behind and I still remember those days of being single, too well. Since being married my husband and I have noticed that singles post certain complaints on the internet that we remember making ourselves before meeting each other and we just look at each other and say those are single people problems. It is not to ridicule singles. We have friends who desire marriage and we pray God sends them their spouses because we want them to experience the joy that is found in the covenantal union. While I fully recognize that not all people will be married in this life, I also acknowledge that when you want to be married and you have not found the right person it can be a difficult experience. Today, I want to address a common topic that my husband and I have seen from our single friends and it is about knowing what the opposite sex is seeking in regards to seeking a spouse. Of course, as a Christian, I will be addressing this from a Biblical perspective.
What
Does The Opposite Sex Want?
This question is often asked because of what is seen
when one is on the dating market. You see others finding someone and you wonder
why you have not. I want to first start by saying this is the wrong question to
ask. Why? It is because the question is being asked to find out how to attract
someone, but everyone knows that answer. To attract someone all one has to be is
physically well presentable outwardly and decent inwardly, and this applies to
both genders. Of course this does not mean that everyone will be attracted to
you, but you will attract people this way. Even the person you are meant to be
with will see you as attractive and vice versa for being well presentable outwardly
and decent inwardly. Also I would like to clarify that to be outwardly
presentable is not to say you have to have a certain physique, but ask yourself
“Do you present yourself well with your shape and style?”, and to be decent
inwardly does not mean you have to have one kind of personality. Whether you
are shy or boisterous or anything in between ask yourself “Are you kind?” It
really is that simple. So where do we go from here? We must understand the base
of what is actually needed in character in regards to seeking someone to marry.
What
Characteristics Are Needed For Marriage Material?
Before we move forward, I would like to state that
just because you find someone with these characteristics it does not mean they are
necessarily your spouse. Also, keep in mind this advice is for the Christian
single. Non-Christians are not held to the Bible’s standards, and what they do
under the eyes of God is God’s to deal with. The Bible does give standards to
the children of the Lord in matters of faith and righteousness and that
includes our relationships. Often times when it comes to the topic of marriage
material for the single Christian one will come across sermons on what a
husband should be and what a wife should be and the single is taught that they
should consider these things when contemplating future marriage. For men, they
are often encouraged to find evidence that a woman can submit, and women are told
to seek ways he can protect, lead, and provide. I do not readily discard this
advice (though I feel it has been misapplied by certain internet communities,
but that is another topic for another day). Singles find their spouses or have
their marriages arranged for them in different ways. However, when your
marriage is not arranged and you are dating the process can become more tedious
on behalf of the single person wondering how to tell if their boyfriend or girlfriend
is marriage material. So, here are a couple of things I feel are worth
considering for Christians on the dating market.
I will start with the obvious. Is the person a
Christian? Christian singles are often stressed about not being unequally yoked
with non-believers. I am willing to wager that some Christian singles can quote
2 Corinthians 6:14-18 by heart. When you first start dating it sounds simple
enough, but when you have been on the market for a while it can be easy to be
tempted to compromise entering into a relationship with a non-Christian, but
you must not give into this temptation. Consider if you did cave into the
temptation of being with a non-Christian and it seems to have worked out and
you made it to the altar. If you are a woman, then a Hell bound sinner is now
the leader of your home and you have set him as an authority over you. If you
are a man, then a Hell bound sinner is now your helpmeet spiritually. If
children are born to this union they will be born in a union where a Hell bound
sinner has authority over them, and as they do not love God they will teach
those children that God is not important. Does this mean that God cannot redeem
the unsaved spouse or the unsaved children? Absolutely not! However, why would
you willing place yourself in that situation? God is a good Father who desires
the best for His children. This is why His word teaches us to not be unequally
yoked. If you have been on the market for what seems a long while, trust that
God knows and He has prepared your way.
The next thing you should look to for a marriage material Christian is if they display the fruit of the Spirit. The passage about the fruit of the Spirit is Galatians 5:22-23. The fruit of the Spirit is evidence of the new life in Christ, as it is what the Holy Spirit produces in us. Often times we look at the fruit of the spirit as separate fruits because the multiple aspects of love, joy, peace, patience (forbearance), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are listed. There is a problem with viewing the aspects as separate. As Christians we battle with the sin nature in this life. Due to this battle we do not always display the aspects of the fruit of the Spirit perfectly. If we apply the aspects of the fruit of the Spirit as separate attributes then when it comes to dating we put ourselves in the unfortunate position of looking for absolute perfection in these areas for who we date, even though we cannot display these attributes perfectly ourselves. So how does one know if one displays the fruit of the Spirit if the aspects are not displayed perfectly? The fruit of the Spirit is a matter of the heart! Does the person have a love for God and does it show? Look at the motivation behind what they do. Is it because they love the Lord? Non-Christians do not love God and their actions are guided by their flesh. Look at Galatians 5 closely starting in verse 16 through the end of the chapter.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not
carry out the desire of the flesh. For the desire of the flesh is against the
Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one
another, in order to keep you from doing whatever you want. But if you are led
by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. Now the deeds of the flesh are
evident, which are: sexual immorality, impurity, indecent behavior, idolatry,
witchcraft, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition,
dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of
which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice
such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to
Christ Jesus crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by
the Spirit, let’s follow the Spirit as well. Let’s not become boastful,
challenging one another, envying one another.
Galatians 5:16-26
Notice how in contrast to the fruit of the Spirit it
speaks on the desires of the flesh. It is important to know this because the sinful
man who is without Christ lives according to his flesh and he hates God (Romans5:10). Matthew15:17-19 further clarifies that the deeds of the flesh are from
the heart.
Do you not understand that everything that goes into
the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that come
out of the mouth come from the heart, and those things defile the person. For
out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, acts of adultery, other immoral
sexual acts, thefts, false testimonies, and slanderous statements.
Matthew15:17-19
The question then becomes how do you test someone’s heart
while dating? In my article “One Woman's Dating Plan: Offered To You” I mention
not getting emotionally invested right away. Often times we walk into dating with
rose colored glasses on. It is evident that there is a level of interest
between the both of you, and when you are dating in hopes to marry there is an
air of hope that it will work out. However, it is not a guarantee that it will
work out. So, it is important to not emotionally invest right away. Which is
not to say be cold on a date, but it is best to approach the getting to know
you stage as no different than hanging out with a good friend until you know it
is more serious. If you worry that you cannot do this on your own, then involve
someone you trust to help you vet the person.
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Good
Qualities But Not For Me
The scariest thing in dating, especially if you have been looking for a spouse, is acknowledging someone is not for you. I mentioned earlier someone can have good characteristics but not be for you. You may not want to hurt the other person, or you are afraid that after so long of dating maybe the right person is not out there for you so you have placed your hope in God to make this work out. You are not alone in this boat. If you think you are the only one who has dealt with this, then talk to some married couples about their experiences pre-marriage. So how do you know who it is? God tailor made you special and whoever it will be will be tailor made for you. When dating ask yourself are there things you cannot compromise on? Start there. If being with someone means compromising on a major issue then that is a good start to say no to someone. For me personally, it was certain theological positions. I prayed to God to lead me to the man who had those same positions. As I got to know my husband I saw we held same values in regards to family and I was blessed to see his character rather quickly. Another issue could be you just do not click at all even if you gave them multiple chances at getting to know you conversations. God knows what you need. Whoever He has for you will not be perfect, and so do not seek perfection in them. Look at them with grace and see Christ in them and how He has shaped them to be right for you.
The road to marriage may be bumpy but hang on to the
Lord. I pray this has blessed you, and may you be blessed in your journey wherever you may be.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sarchet
