One Woman's Dating Plan: Offered To You

Before I met my husband, I had actually formulated a dating plan in order to actively find a husband that would have begun in January 2020 when I would have been 31, and I had a goal to be engaged (if not married) by age 35. God had other plans and I met my husband in 2019 and was engaged and married in 2020. I never was able to enact my new dating plan, but I still believe it was a great idea. As someone who had been raised in the purity culture era it would definitely be a game changer for the Christian woman who was in my situation where there were many purity culture ideas guiding their dating life for quite a long time even though some of them had been broken down. The idea of purity would not be diminished from the new plan, and because I do believe it is still a great plan I want to offer my plan to any single Christian woman who is seeking marriage.

 

A Small Note: On Dating Vs. Courting

 

Before diving into the plan I want to address why I use the term dating instead of courting for those who still make distinction between these terms. I do not make a distinction. Many who were brought up in the purity culture era have been taught that dating means sex is involved by default and that is why courting is better. That is utter nonsense in my opinion. Just because a person is dating it does not automatically mean they are having sex. There are even non-Christians who do not have sex before marriage, and they would call going out with someone for romance dating. Even when there are extra restrictions, I would still refer to it as the same thing. Unless you have an arranged marriage, I have not found many distinctions in the mate selection processes for the abstinent/celibate non-Christian (including those who claim no faith) and the Christian. The truest distinction I have found is with the reasons behind why we do what we do.

 

The Dating Plan

 

Part One: Initiation

 

How does one begin dating? As a woman who was raised in purity culture there is the concept of needing to wait for a man to ask you out (in some cases ask your father for permission to ask you out) and so you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and still no man seems to want you. Are they all unavailable? Are the men scarce? Is there something wrong with you? You need to put those thoughts aside. Let me ask you a question, did you make your availability known? Does anyone actually know you are actively seeking marriage? This brings tells us what the true first step in dating is, self-marketing. Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “Everyone already knows I am single,” or “I have signed up for dating sites.” Let me tell you there are plenty of single people who claim they are not searching and some dating sites have many inactive profiles. This brings to my first step in the plan, be the initiator.

 

The thought of being the initiator is scary. No one likes being rejected and the initiator definitely may have to deal with this, perhaps even a great number of times, but dating is also about numbers. The more men you ask out the more dates you can receive. As a woman, it is more of a balance because you do not want to emasculate a man by directly asking him out. So, how would I have gone about this according to the plan I had set. First step would be to strike up a conversation. As a Christian woman it was highly important for me to find a husband who shared the same faith, and a quick conversation would be able to help quickly discern if he was or not. Also, a small conversation is a great way to get to know if someone has the potential to get along with you and if you think it is worth trying to see if something is there. Step two, if all goes well with the initial conversation is to give him your number. Do not ask him out, but tell him something along the lines of “If you are interested, give me a call.” That is the entire initiation process. This way he will know you are interested and looking, and if he is interested he can feel free to ask you out without worrying about being rejected on his end either. If he says he is not interested or never calls, just move on to a new man. My plan was to do this with multiple men. Why not stop at one? Recall what I mentioned earlier, a part of dating is about the numbers. So, what do you do if multiple men ask you out? Let us move to the next part of the plan.

 

Part Two: Go On Those Dates!

 

He called… they called. If one man called or multiple men it is time to set up the dates!  This is radical for a Christian woman from the purity culture era, but I am going to encourage open dating, and I am not talking about out-in-the-open dating that purity culture stated was necessary to protect purity (though I am not discouraging it either), but I mean date multiple men. How does this help if you are looking for a husband? It is all about how it is done. When the dates are set up you should be upfront that you are openly dating with marriage as the end goal. This gives the man the opportunity to decide if this is a process he wants to engage in. For this part of the plan you must not emotionally invest in a man immediately. Why are you doing that when you do not know if it will turn into anything more serious? The beginning of dating should be a getting to know you stage. As the goal is to find a husband, talk about what is important on the first few dates (deeper theology, family values, politics, etc.). Do not think that you need to be cold towards these men during this stage, but you just need to know where they stand on the issues that matter most for a marriage. Keep in mind that this part of the plan should not be dragged on for a long period of time. You are not trying to be in this stage for no more than a few dates. After you have the important issues established for each man you are ready for part three.

 

Part Three: Elimination Round!

 

You have the most important issues out of the way for each man. Now you must begin eliminating some of them from further dates. Remember the goal is to find a husband, and you cannot marry them all. For some it will be extremely obvious that they should not be dated again. They may display lack of maturity or disagree on a good number of the important issues, that sort of thing. During the dating process get rid of them as soon as you know they need to go. Do not prolong the process. There are two questions we can address from here. The first being, what happens if none of the men meet the important requirements for marriage? In this scenario the answer is simple, revisit the initiation step. The second question is what if one or more meet the standard? This is a little more nuanced. My personal option would be to ask the men where they believe things are for us. If only one wants to move forward then he would be the one I would give a chance by default. What if more than one wants to move forward? I believe it is okay to perhaps be a little pickier if they all have great qualities. For example, maybe you do not want to marry someone from a single parent home, or if you like the smile of one more than the others. Another option is to have some insight from people you know who have your best interests at heart tell you their opinions. The goal is to get down to one.

Part Four: There Can Be Only One!

 

“Here we are! Born to be kings, we’re the princes of the universe!” And now that all the other Highlander fans have sung that in their heads with me we move to what I consider the critical stage of the dating plan. You have eliminated all others and he is the only man left. Now, it is all about getting to know his character in different settings. For this, out of wisdom, I highly suggest putting a timeframe on this. My personal timeframe would have been one year of dating. Most men who have become married say they knew within six months to a year if they wanted to marry the woman they were with. If a movie is to describe your love life it does not have to be 12 Years A Girlfriend. When you are meeting for the future dates try to see how he is with his family, with friends, when you are alone. Also, feel free to ask around about him. You are trying to get married, and that is a big deal. You should not just settle because he seems good. Make sure he is an upstanding man. He does not need to be perfect, but he should be decent. During this stage, remind him the goal is marriage. You do not need to pester him, but if you have given yourself a timeframe, periodically check in with how he is feeling about where things are going. If it all works out you will be engaged and married in no time. If it turns out that he just was not the right one, then return to the initiation step. 

Some Final Thoughts

 

The plan I have presented is not a mandate, and I would not force anyone to try it. If you are comfortable with giving it a shot I believe it is worth a try. I can think of a few objections that may be argued against the plan. For starters, a woman who initiates is quite taboo for the Christian world. It is often argued that the Bible says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22) This must mean that the man must initiate, right? To them I ask if you have read the book of Ruth. There is this beautiful story about Ruth and Boaz, the great-grandparents of King David, and when it came to initiating the marriage talk who was the initiator? Even further, there is no Bible passage that condemns Ruth for initiating. The Bible never dictates how a man might find his wife; perhaps he does ask her out, but maybe she shows interest, or his marriage could be arranged. Personally, I wonder if women being afraid to initiate has kept some who desire marriage single longer than when they would have hoped, even though they lived under purity culture’s ideas. Another objection I would suspect might be that a woman who practices open dating will have her reputation ruined. To this I would respond, that is entirely on how people choose to perceive her. According to the plan I presented she is open and honest about her dating process. Not once did I suggest throwing modesty and chastity out the door. If you saw a modest woman who you did not know having a nice cup of coffee with a man do you instantly think she is loose and immoral? Still another objection may be that there seems to be no care for the emotions of the woman or men involved. Recall what I said earlier in part two of the plan, “For this part of the plan you must not emotionally invest in a man immediately.” There is a necessity to guard your heart. It is not to say emotions will never be involved, but the woman and man must look at each other objectively before considering marriage as their option. It can help avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache.

 

Now that I have addressed some anticipated objections I would like to talk about why I like this plan. This plan has wiggle room for modifications. For example, if a woman wants to have her father’s approval in her dating process (which purity culture encourages, and I am neither for nor against) in the initiation process she can give the man her father’s number. However, I would suggest the woman let her father know that his number will be given out and that this is a dating process you are trying to engage in, and make sure he agrees to this. Also, living in the modern era this can easily be applied to online dating as well. Almost anywhere a woman can meet men she can apply this method. Also, I like this dating plan because it demystifies dating. Purity culture caused a lot of hurt for a good number of Christian youth who lived in that era. Yes, God wants us to be pure but being pure does not guarantee the romance story of your dreams. In my experience purity culture painted a picture of magic that awaits, but most who date do not marry the first person they date. It is not always magical, and it should not be expected to be because we live in a fallen world and men and women alike struggle with their sin nature. Whether a woman decides to use this dating plan or not, may God be with you as you trust in Him.