In my family's home we celebrate the major holidays for one month. It was a tradition my husband and I established in the first year of our marriage. As it is the month of love, I would like to take time to reflect on how God loves His people.
My God loved me enough to die for me. I am far from deserving of it and am well aware of that fact. I hurt when I realize how imperfect I am. He knows that I want to serve Him better, but in my own strength I cannot and that is a devastating reality for all of us who were born sinners into this world. When I pray my prayers are filled with repentance and pain. It is personally a struggle for me to believe God loves me at all most days. It is for this reason I know the Scriptures are true in Ephesians when it says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." I cannot trust me. I know my sin encompasses my thoughts and actions. When I reflect on salvation, I know it can only come from outside of me.
My God, the Triune God, the only true God says to put my faith in who Jesus is and everything He has accomplished, because He perfectly did all that would bring salvation to the people who would place their faith in Him alone for salvation. Every year for Christmas season, the church reflects on the birth of Christ, but when I consider Christ's birth, I only think of how He came to die an agonizing death as the penalty of my sin. The sin that haunts me is what lead to the death of someone that we treat as a special baby in a manger every Christmas, but He was not just some baby, Jesus was and is God. Jesus is God. Then after his agonizing death, He conquered death 3 days later proving He was God. The other people in the Bible required the power of God to raise them, but He rose on His own because He is God.
One of my favorite memories of my late father is when I had the joy of seeing him beat up a man in a play. I remember I was about 5 years old and cheering loudly in the crowd. From then I believed my father could save me from anything, but life showed me very well that he could not help me, even as he desired to, but my God's salvation is guaranteed to me. My Heavenly Father knows my hurt and His promise of salvation to me is final. If I am not worthy of salvation, why would God choose to save me? I am made worthy because He chooses to save me. That is all and nothing more to the story. There is the saying "You can't turn a 'ho into a housewife.", but God looks to an unworthy people and says I am loyal to you always.
So, it is I push forward in the faith not because I am worthy, but because God in His love for me is my salvation. It will never be about how I feel or what I can do in my own strength, and any good I do is because of love for Him, because my good is not enough to save me, and if you are also a Christian who struggles to believe God loves you, I pray my words are a reminder to you as well of the hope we have in Christ.
"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
Most people consider what they want to be known for, but I do not hear most people considering what they will leave behind. Even still when considering one's legacy one rarely talks of how what they do, or leave will impact those who will be here after one no longer walks the earth. Of course, it only makes sense as fallen man is inclined to his own self-interest. I was reading the book "What He Must Be...If He Wants To Marry My Daughter" by Dr. Voddie Baucham, Jr. and I came across the following passage.
I looked at my children and told them something that I have since said to them no less than a hundred times. "Kids, you must seek to become the kind of people who plant shade trees for others to sit under." I went on to explain how people in the past had sacrificed in order for us to enjoy virtually everything we had. We talked about our Founding Fathers, about brave African slaves, and even about grandparents. I'm not sure how much of that day's lesson sank in with the children. However, since then I have been trying to teach the same lesson in myriad ways. We constantly talk about living our lives in such a way that we plant spiritual shade trees for the benefit of others. We use phrases like multigenerational vision and legacy. As our children get older and anticipate their future, they are beginning to understand that life is more about the here and now. They are beginning to catch the vision.
Though rarely done by most of our population it is important to consider how what we are leaving will impact the future, and I would like to share from a Biblical perspective why it is so.
The Communal Nature of Man
The newer generations are reporting to be lonelier and more depressed, and in an age of self-interest where the great aim is to seek satisfaction in anything but God and their fellow man, it would be wise to heed the words of my maternal grandmother who has said on numerous occasions "Men and women need each other." The cultures insistence on pushing further and further into isolationism is bad for the flourishing of humanity as a whole. Why, because man was created to be communal with God and each other. I would not believe it is so necessary to teach this except for the fact that within the Christian community I keep hearing professing believers say, "As long as you have God, you don't need anyone else." Let us look then to the first man who was created before the world was fallen. Genesis 2:18 reads, "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.'" This portion of Adam's life story is the catalyst for why God would create woman and establish the pattern of the family for man, but it also speaks to how humans are created with the need for other people. So, to the Christian who says they only need God, if Adam who had God needed others, what makes you think you are any different? So, how does our communal nature matter when considering what we leave behind when we die and how it impacts the future? Consider the various skills and talents in the world. If there was only one heart surgeon in the world and he did not pass down the instructions to successfully perform a heart surgery, when he dies the skill would be lost unless someone somehow re-discovered it by accident. If there was only one carpenter and he did not pass down his skills, once he dies the skill is lost to time, and so it would be with all skills. Even the concept of the hospital was just an idea at one point until someone built it revolutionizing how we consider care for the ill, as there was now a place to go instead of just waiting for the doctor to come to you. Even consider the arts! Without the music of artists like The Winans, Commissioned, Helen Baylor, Shai Linne, Crossmovement, Hazakim, etcetera to remind of God's goodness and inspire pushing forward with daily task life would just be less enjoyable.
The Duty of Man To Provide
Aside from the good benefits we see of good things being left behind for future generations. We must consider what we leave behind as it is man's duty. 1 Timothy 5:8 reads, "But if any man does not provide for his own, especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Often, I have seen this passage paired with 2 Thessalonians 3:10, which is the verse known for if a man does not work, he should not eat, in order to emphasize the need of a man to work so he can provide for his family while he lives, and no one would argue against this. However, I believe it is Biblically supported that a man must provide beyond his wife and children but to his grandchildren. Look to the first half of Proverbs 13:22 "A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children," My late father had a desire to protect his family at all costs, and he worked daily to make sure our needs were met. He was never sure that he would be able to leave us material possessions when he left, but he would do everything he could for our best, and it is because of this that my siblings and I continue to work hard to care for our future generations. It is in this way, passing on his work ethic that my dad cared for his children and now his grandchildren are cared for. This does not just apply to those who are married with children, but even the single and childless must consider what they are leaving in the world that can benefit society as a whole. God has endowed the single and childless with gifts and talents that can be passed on to future generations in a way that they might not expect. I think of Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth who while single for decades used her talent to further teach Christian women, and after getting married in her mid to late fifties she continues doing the good work she was called to and impacting the lives of thousands of women. Though I am unsure if this woman is single or not, it is also good to look to Champale Anderson a mother in Missouri who would feed children in her neighborhood before and after school.
The Type of Legacy Left
This all beckons the question of what type of legacy should one leave. I mentioned earlier that my father was not assured he could leave material possessions, and I know there is a fear among many that material possessions are impossible to attain let alone to leave to the future generation. The problem is that as humans we are inclined to think in material as far as what is left behind, but the primary thing one leaves behind is their example. Ask yourself what is the reputation you have? Are you known for being caring? Are you known for being a hard worker? Or are you known just for what you have accumulated? Do you set an example that it is important to sacrifice for the good of others or do you merely seek self-interest and see people as merely disposable pawns in the path of achieving what you want? Secondly it is important to encourage the future generation to be societally minded about how they can use their skills and talents.
For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot says, "Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body," It is not for this reason any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, "Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body," It is not for this reason any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are many members, but one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you."
1 Corinthians 14:1-21
This passage I have often heard to support that as Christians we all have our place in the body of Christ, but we can use this example for the whole of society. Each member of the household is important to the home, and each citizen to their town. We all benefit when we use our skills and talents for more than just ourselves. If something is lacking in your community and you do not know anyway that need can be met, perhaps in the future generation God is raising up the talent to fulfill that need. However, the needs of the people cannot be met if we teach everyone that they all must go the same course and follow the exact same pattern for life. I did mention that earlier we are inclined to think materially concerning legacy, and do not misunderstand me materials are needed. God will bless a man with material possessions, and he can use those to God's glory and the benefit of humanity as part of his legacy. No matter if his material possessions are very little or very great, but one should not make the end goal for possessions can be gained and lost.
The Most Important Legacy
Lastly, but ultimately, as Christians what we should care about is leaving a legacy of the Gospel. We should spread the truth of God's word. The reason we should care for others and benefitting our future generations is because Christ has left us a legacy of hope in His resurrection that there is life beyond the grave and this world in its fallen state is passing a way, but that everything will be restored to its rightful place. When our first father, Adam ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil he forsook life. He chose himself and did not consider the curse that would be brought on his children of sin and death. That was the legacy he left us with, and as sinners we must resist the urge to continue the pattern of only caring for ourselves. Instead for those of us who are in Christ we have eaten from the true tree of life, Christ and we can rest in his shade for eternity and persevere in this world for as long as He gives us breath here. We can walk boldly knowing one day we all will be raised, and the world will be restored to its rightful place and sin and death will no longer exist. May God bless you as you go about considering your legacy and planting your own shade trees to the glory of God.
For since by a man came death, by a man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ we will be made alive.
It is almost New Year’s Eve and it is a time for rendezvous,
reflections, resolutions, and reminders that you are too old, too young or just
too exhausted to stay up that late to watch the clock strike 12 and the ball drop.
Being that it is almost the New Year, I would like to take a moment to just
touch on some of what I hope to do in 2023, Lord willing.
My focus for 2023 will be guided by the term
expansion. I want to focus on having a larger reach for my work, as such I will
be expanding my presence on social media. I am setting up an official writer’s
page on Facebook. Also, I will be setting up an Instagram for additional promotion,
and I will be utilizing YouTube as well. There is an official writer’s website
writermrssarchet.com where everything can be found in regards to what I am working on. So, if you are interested in updates or learning more please visit the website. By the Lord’s will, the Instagram and Facebook page will
be up and running on January 1st, 2023. I do not have an official
date for the YouTube, but by God’s will that will begin in January as well. I do
plan to host some events as well in 2023, but I will announce those when they are
closer to time.
So, why am I aiming to expand my audience? I am not
hoping for tons of fame, but I know God has called me to a writer’s life, and I
know this because it is the talent He gave me that has been most blessed by Him,
and I want to use it as much as possible to His glory, and to reach however
many I can by His grace for as long as He has me do this.
Thank you, to all those who continue to support me
in this journey, may God grant you a good start to the New Year.
One of the aspects of my marriage that I have not
blogged about is that my husband has a mental illness. It is not because I am
ashamed or feel it needs to be hidden that I have not written on the topic, but
due to my beliefs on marriage I do not feel it impacts the commitment I made to
him before the Lord. My husband is a Christian mental health advocate and he is
the founder of Christ-Centered Mental Health. As Christians we firmly believe
marriage is a lifetime covenant, but studies have come about showing marriages
where a spouse is mentally ill have divorce rates up to 80% in multiple countries.
My husband and I want to encourage others who are in marriages where there is
mental illness to be strong in those marriages and not to give up on the
covenant that was made before God. And so, we are writing a joint blog post
where we answer 5 questions on being married and dealing with mental illness. I
will be writing from my perspective as a wife without mental illness, and he
will write from the perspective of a husband with mental illness.
The
5 Questions
Do you see your marriage as different from other
marriages because of the mental illness?
My husband disclosed his mental illness to me less
than a week into us getting to know each other. He has schizoaffective
disorder, but he explained how he takes care of his mental health and is
usually stable more than he is unstable because he does take his medication
regularly. This allowed me to be open to the idea of dating him, as it showed
he would be upfront, open, and honest about what is important. As a Christian
my understanding of the world is that sin, death, and decay, and all manners of
illness are a result of the fall of man (Genesis 3). I was never looking for a
perfect husband, I only wanted my husband, and I knew even before marriage that
I would be willing to help care for my husband for as long as God has us on
this earth no matter what illness there may be. With my husband’s illness I
view it is no different than having to take care of a husband with heart
disease or cancer. All people become ill, and my marriage is normal because of
that. I just need to make sure I am prepared to handle the particulars of my
husband’s illness.
Does your spouse worry about how you view them
because of their mental illness?
I know he has expressed this to me, but I continue
to try to show him I love him. I deeply love my husband. He is not perfect, but
he is just right for me. I do not think his illness makes him any less loveable
even with the challenges it brings. I always want him to know he is loved.
Different hardships are trying to a marriage in different ways, but if his
illness was an issue that I was not willing to deal with I would not have
married him, as I fully knew he had this illness within a few days of talking
to him.
Do you worry about how the world views your marriage
because of mental illness?
This is not something I normally think of, but I
would say I am more concerned that the world will try to define my husband by
his mental illness instead of seeing him as the whole being he is. My husband
is a man with his own unique, God given personality. He has likes and dislikes,
hopes and dreams, and loves me the way any good man loves his wife. His illness
may cause him to have some bonkers behavior from time to time, but that is not
his normal life. He leads our home in righteousness before the Lord to the best
of his ability. He is a great husband and I am grateful God brought us
together. On that note, I will say there are those who have tried to bring up
transgressions from his past when he was less stable to try to tear apart our
marriage, but he had informed me of those transgressions before we were married.
When someone tries to use my husband’s illness against him I assure you that
they have done nothing but given me a further reason to love him more, because the
world is against him.
How important is it for your spouse to communicate
their symptoms, and is it always easy?
It is always important for him to let me know when
he is dealing with symptoms from his illness. Sometimes, it is mild, but other
times it is more serious. I find it most helpful if I remain aware of his
symptoms and check in. I always ask how he is feeling. If he goes through something
that may trigger his symptoms, I check in with him and reassure him I am there
for him. It is not always easy for him to communicate his symptoms, because
sometimes he does not notice them. As long as I remain aware of him, sometimes
I might notice before I becomes a full blown episode and this allows him to get
help from his therapist and psychiatrist when necessary.
In what ways has mental illness blessed your marriage?
My husband’s mental illness has brought us closer
together as a couple and in Christ as we learn to deal with the different
challenges. For example, when I first met my husband he was on the wrong dosage
of meds. After marriage, he was put on a medication that almost killed him, but
through that God placed him on the dosage of the meds that allowed him to
function properly as a person. We really saw the hand of God working through
all of this.
_______________________________
For those who are married and are dealing with
mental illness, my husband and I hope this encourages you. Perhaps you can
answer these questions with your spouse as well. No matter how long you have
been married do not give up on your covenant. Remember your promise to remain in sickness and in health, and mental illness is not excluded from this. Go to counseling if you need it,
and may you look at your spouse as lovingly as you did the day you knew you
loved them.
While perusing on Facebook one day I came across the
following question, “If you had all of Superman’s superpowers for 24 hours, and
you wanted to do the most good in the world during that one day what would you
do?” Immediately I thought of Superman’s power to reverse time and return to
the past, and so my answer would be to return back to the past and prevent the
fall of man from happening. After all, how much more good can be done aside
from the erasure of all evil from the world? However, just as soon as I had
thought on this I questioned if it truly would be good to prevent the fall of
man from happening. It would be easy to question if I have lost my marbles to
wonder if preventing the fall of man would be good, but I do have a Biblically
sound reason to believe it could not be and from here I shall proceed to build
my case.
The
Boundary of Good
Good is a concept that originated from God. In fact
it is better stated that all that is good comes forth from God. Look carefully
at the creation account in Genesis (Genesis 1:1-2:3). Take note that each time
God created something, what He created was good and at the completion of
creation on day six it was very good. And so God’s completed works will always
be top tier goodness. I bring this up because part of God’s goodness was to
create a boundary on goodness. Whatever crosses the boundary of good by default
falls into the categories of evil, sin, and bad. In Genesis chapter 2:7-25
(which is a deeper look into day 6 of creation) we see the Lord God creating this
boundary in the law he gave to man.
The Lord God commanded the man, saying,
“From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the
knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day you eat from it
you will surely day. –Genesis 2:16-17
We also see another moment of something being
declared outside of the boundary of good. Genesis 2:18 reads:
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good
for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
Both of these boundaries show us that things are not
good when God’s law is broken and also when creatures live in a way less than
what God desired them to be when creation was declared good. The breaking of
God’s law is always evil and sinful, but living less than when creation is good
is not always sin. For example, a person being born without limbs is not a sin.
However, that person does live a life that is less than what God intended when
the creation was called good. The fall of man was a result of God’s law being
transgressed. With the fall came sin, death and decay and the severity of that
degree is that no man is good. However, man would never be completely void of
the knowledge of God’s law, but at the fall he became intimately acquainted
with the knowledge of what was evil as well. The tree of the knowledge of good
and evil that they were commanded not to eat from was aptly named. Just as evil
appealed to our first parents, Adam and Eve, it appeals to us. Even when man
does what appears to be good he cannot do it in a completely right way
according to the standard of good God had set for us in the beginning. For
example, a man can do good by helping his neighbor bring his groceries into his
house, but if he is doing it to prove to himself he does not need to
acknowledge his creator, God, and can create his own moral standard; the good
action he has done is voided by the wickedness in his heart.
Romans 3:9-18
What then? Are we better than they? Not at all; for
we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are all under sin; as it is
written, “There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understand,
there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have
become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one. Their
throat is an open grave, with their tongues they keep deceiving.; the poison of
asps is under their lips; whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness; their
feet are swift to shed blood, destruction and misery are in their paths, and
the path of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
We have now firmly established that good has a
boundary and that in order for something to be evil it must cross that
boundary. The logical next question to ask is, “Does evil have a boundary?”
The
Boundary of Evil
“You will know them by their fruits.
Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? So
every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree
cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree
that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.” —Matthew
7:16-19
The words of Jesus in Matthew 7 are important to
understanding the boundary of evil. First, I want us to recognize that God is
good. As we see in the creation account all good things come from God. So, now
we must confront how do we reconcile that the concept of evil was created in
the creation account as well? God saw it as good to create a concept of evil,
is evil therefore good? We can dispel these thoughts with a closer look at the
creation account. All that was good was created actively. God actively spoke
good into existence. Evil is a concept God created passively. When God created
the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, that was a good act. When God gave
the command for man not to eat from that tree, that was a good act. Evil would
only be activated by the breaking of the command. It was not actively created
in God’s good world and therefore it is never meant to be seen as good. Next,
we must recognize good cannot come from bad. Though our first parents started
in the position of good, after they had become intimate with the knowledge of
evil their offspring (all of humanity) would have the same intimate knowledge
of evil. We more commonly refer to it as inheriting the sin nature (Romans
5:12). The law of God is also still in all of man, but we suppress it and go
against it, and it actively shows us guilty as practitioners of sin (Romans
1-3). This is important to keep in mind in the discussion of a boundary for
evil. Evil once it was activated in man knew no bounds in the way it would
manifest itself. We know of the different ills in the world, and do not need to
list them. Man CANNOT contain evil, because man does not have in himself what
it takes to produce anything good. Sin gets passed on from offspring to
offspring, by nature we are corrupt and separated from the goodness our first
parents once had. So, where then is the boundary of evil in a corrupted
creation? The answer is nowhere. Evil does not have a boundary on earth. What
hope is there then to escape evil? God has made it clear that He is the ruler
of all and the evil cannot escape His plan for it (Revelation 20). And so, evil
is contained by the will of God.
God is sovereign above all things. This means He is
the Master of all things. He is not a created being so He was never confined to
the laws that govern men. He is the enactor of the law. What this means is that
once evil had been activated, inherently He is the only one who could have
possibly contained it. We see this throughout the Bible. God prevented
Abimelech from violating the wife of Abram (Genesis 20). God also hardened Pharaoh’s
heart against Israel (Exodus 10:20 & 11:10). God controls the leaders of
the world (Proverbs 21:1), and this includes the wicked ones. This fact points
to an ultimate truth about evil. God allows evil to be used as a tool to
accomplish His will.
The
Will of God In Eternity Past
Knowing that God can keep evil contained, and can
allow it to be used as a tool for His purpose then why does He not destroy it?
For this we must remind ourselves that God is good. As He is good He cannot
lie.
“God is not a man, that He should lie, nor
a son of man, that He should repent; has He said, and will He not do it? Or has
He spoken and will He not make it good?” –Deuteronomy 23:19
This matters because we learn something very
important about God’s work in the predestination of the salvation of His
people. Ephesians 1:3-6 reads:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord
Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly
places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the
world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined
us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind
intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely
bestowed on us in the Beloved.”
This passage is in reference to the believers in
Christ. Notice how the passage uses the words “before the foundation of the
world” in regards to when we were called to become believers in Christ. This
means all of what has happened in this world was planned and it is an agreement
within the Trinity. If God cannot lie He must keep His word even to Himself. We
also see it is “according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of
the glory of His grace…” and that gives the reason why He predestined us, but
could He not redeem us and choose to be rid of all evil. We learn further of God’s
predestination in Romans 9, and there we see God has even predestined those who
are not redeemed to His glory as well.
Answering
The Question
Now we have established that good has a boundary,
once that boundary is crossed evil is created, evil does not have a boundary
but God can and does contain it and use it as a tool for His will. Now, we will
bring these facts together to answer the question can going back in time to
undo the fall of man be evil? The answer is, yes. If the fall were to be
reversed it would be evil, because it would go against the will of God who is
good and all He does is good.
God’s will proceeds from Him actively, just as all
that is good preceded from Him actively in the creation. To try to go outside
of His will would be sin as it would be a violation of how He has chosen for
things to be. There is a prime example of this in Matthew 16:21-23. The passage
reads:
From that time Jesus began to show His
disciples that He must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders
and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised up on the third
day. Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, “God forbid it,
Lord! This shall never happen to You.” But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind
Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind
on God’s interests, but man’s.”
Peter did not want Jesus to suffer and die, by all we
know to be good for us humans not desiring the suffering and death of people is
considered a good thing, but what the Lord had stated the will of God, and it
was greater sin to be in opposition to how the Lord would choose to redeem His
people for His glory.
If had the superpowers of Superman for 24 hours, and
I used them to prevent the fall of man, it would put me in a position of
opposing God’s will, as I would not be setting my mind on God’s interests, but
man’s.
____________________________
Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has become His counselor? Or who has given to Him that it might be paid back to Him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.
Before
I met my husband, I had actually formulated a dating plan in order to actively
find a husband that would have begun in January 2020 when I would have been 31,
and I had a goal to be engaged (if not married) by age 35. God had other plans
and I met my husband in 2019 and was engaged and married in 2020. I never was
able to enact my new dating plan, but I still believe it was a great idea. As
someone who had been raised in the purity culture era it would definitely be a
game changer for the Christian woman who was in my situation where there were
many purity culture ideas guiding their dating life for quite a long time even though
some of them had been broken down. The idea of purity would not be diminished
from the new plan, and because I do believe it is still a great plan I want to
offer my plan to any single Christian woman who is seeking marriage.
A Small Note: On
Dating Vs. Courting
Before
diving into the plan I want to address why I use the term dating instead of
courting for those who still make distinction between these terms. I do not
make a distinction. Many who were brought up in the purity culture era have
been taught that dating means sex is involved by default and that is why
courting is better. That is utter nonsense in my opinion. Just because a person
is dating it does not automatically mean they are having sex. There are even
non-Christians who do not have sex before marriage, and they would call going
out with someone for romance dating. Even when there are extra restrictions, I
would still refer to it as the same thing. Unless you have an arranged
marriage, I have not found many distinctions in the mate selection processes
for the abstinent/celibate non-Christian (including those who claim no faith) and
the Christian. The truest distinction I have found is with the reasons behind
why we do what we do.
The Dating Plan
Part One: Initiation
How
does one begin dating? As a woman who was raised in purity culture there is the
concept of needing to wait for a man to ask you out (in some cases ask your
father for permission to ask you out) and so you wait, and you wait, and you
wait, and still no man seems to want you. Are they all unavailable? Are the men
scarce? Is there something wrong with you? You need to put those thoughts
aside. Let me ask you a question, did you make your availability known? Does
anyone actually know you are actively seeking marriage? This brings tells us
what the true first step in dating is, self-marketing. Some of you may be
saying to yourselves, “Everyone already knows I am single,” or “I have signed
up for dating sites.” Let me tell you there are plenty of single people who
claim they are not searching and some dating sites have many inactive profiles.
This brings to my first step in the plan, be the initiator.
The
thought of being the initiator is scary. No one likes being rejected and the
initiator definitely may have to deal with this, perhaps even a great number of
times, but dating is also about numbers. The more men you ask out the more dates
you can receive. As a woman, it is more of a balance because you do not want to
emasculate a man by directly asking him out. So, how would I have gone about
this according to the plan I had set. First step would be to strike up a
conversation. As a Christian woman it was highly important for me to find a
husband who shared the same faith, and a quick conversation would be able to
help quickly discern if he was or not. Also, a small conversation is a great
way to get to know if someone has the potential to get along with you and if
you think it is worth trying to see if something is there. Step two, if all
goes well with the initial conversation is to give him your number. Do not ask
him out, but tell him something along the lines of “If you are interested, give
me a call.” That is the entire initiation process. This way he will know you
are interested and looking, and if he is interested he can feel free to ask you
out without worrying about being rejected on his end either. If he says he is
not interested or never calls, just move on to a new man. My plan was to do
this with multiple men. Why not stop at one? Recall what I mentioned earlier, a
part of dating is about the numbers. So, what do you do if multiple men ask you
out? Let us move to the next part of the plan.
Part Two: Go On Those Dates!
He
called… they called. If one man called or multiple men it is time to set up the
dates!This is radical for a Christian
woman from the purity culture era, but I am going to encourage open dating, and
I am not talking about out-in-the-open dating that purity culture stated was
necessary to protect purity (though I am not discouraging it either), but I
mean date multiple men. How does this help if you are looking for a husband? It
is all about how it is done. When the dates are set up you should be upfront
that you are openly dating with marriage as the end goal. This gives the man
the opportunity to decide if this is a process he wants to engage in. For this
part of the plan you must not emotionally invest in a man immediately. Why are
you doing that when you do not know if it will turn into anything more serious?
The beginning of dating should be a getting to know you stage. As the goal is
to find a husband, talk about what is important on the first few dates (deeper
theology, family values, politics, etc.). Do not think that you need to be cold
towards these men during this stage, but you just need to know where they stand
on the issues that matter most for a marriage. Keep in mind that this part of
the plan should not be dragged on for a long period of time. You are not trying
to be in this stage for no more than a few dates. After you have the important
issues established for each man you are ready for part three.
Part Three: Elimination Round!
You
have the most important issues out of the way for each man. Now you must begin
eliminating some of them from further dates. Remember the goal is to find a
husband, and you cannot marry them all. For some it will be extremely obvious
that they should not be dated again. They may display lack of maturity or
disagree on a good number of the important issues, that sort of thing. During
the dating process get rid of them as soon as you know they need to go. Do not
prolong the process. There are two questions we can address from here. The
first being, what happens if none of the men meet the important requirements
for marriage? In this scenario the answer is simple, revisit the initiation
step. The second question is what if one or more meet the standard? This is a
little more nuanced. My personal option would be to ask the men where they
believe things are for us. If only one wants to move forward then he would be
the one I would give a chance by default. What if more than one wants to move
forward? I believe it is okay to perhaps be a little pickier if they all have
great qualities. For example, maybe you do not want to marry someone from a
single parent home, or if you like the smile of one more than the others.
Another option is to have some insight from people you know who have your best
interests at heart tell you their opinions. The goal is to get down to one.
Part Four: There Can Be Only One!
“Here
we are! Born to be kings, we’re the princes of the universe!” And now that all
the other Highlander fans have sung that in their heads with me we move to what
I consider the critical stage of the dating plan. You have eliminated all
others and he is the only man left. Now, it is all about getting to know his
character in different settings. For this, out of wisdom, I highly suggest
putting a timeframe on this. My personal timeframe would have been one year of
dating. Most men who have become married say they knew within six months to a
year if they wanted to marry the woman they were with. If a movie is to
describe your love life it does not have to be 12 Years A Girlfriend. When you
are meeting for the future dates try to see how he is with his family, with
friends, when you are alone. Also, feel free to ask around about him. You are
trying to get married, and that is a big deal. You should not just settle
because he seems good. Make sure he is an upstanding man. He does not need to
be perfect, but he should be decent. During this stage, remind him the goal is
marriage. You do not need to pester him, but if you have given yourself a
timeframe, periodically check in with how he is feeling about where things are
going. If it all works out you will be engaged and married in no time. If it
turns out that he just was not the right one, then return to the initiation
step.
Some Final Thoughts
The
plan I have presented is not a mandate, and I would not force anyone to try it.
If you are comfortable with giving it a shot I believe it is worth a try. I can
think of a few objections that may be argued against the plan. For starters, a
woman who initiates is quite taboo for the Christian world. It is often argued
that the Bible says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor
from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22) This must mean that the man must initiate,
right? To them I ask if you have read the book of Ruth. There is this beautiful
story about Ruth and Boaz, the great-grandparents of King David, and when it
came to initiating the marriage talk who was the initiator? Even further, there
is no Bible passage that condemns Ruth for initiating. The Bible never dictates
how a man might find his wife; perhaps he does ask her out, but maybe she shows
interest, or his marriage could be arranged. Personally, I wonder if women
being afraid to initiate has kept some who desire marriage single longer than
when they would have hoped, even though they lived under purity culture’s
ideas. Another objection I would suspect might be that a woman who practices
open dating will have her reputation ruined. To this I would respond, that is
entirely on how people choose to perceive her. According to the plan I
presented she is open and honest about her dating process. Not once did I
suggest throwing modesty and chastity out the door. If you saw a modest woman
who you did not know having a nice cup of coffee with a man do you instantly
think she is loose and immoral? Still another objection may be that there seems
to be no care for the emotions of the woman or men involved. Recall what I said
earlier in part two of the plan, “For this part of the plan you must not
emotionally invest in a man immediately.” There is a necessity to guard your
heart. It is not to say emotions will never be involved, but the woman and man
must look at each other objectively before considering marriage as their
option. It can help avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache.
Now
that I have addressed some anticipated objections I would like to talk about
why I like this plan. This plan has wiggle room for modifications. For example,
if a woman wants to have her father’s approval in her dating process (which
purity culture encourages, and I am neither for nor against) in the initiation
process she can give the man her father’s number. However, I would suggest the
woman let her father know that his number will be given out and that this is a
dating process you are trying to engage in, and make sure he agrees to this.
Also, living in the modern era this can easily be applied to online dating as
well. Almost anywhere a woman can meet men she can apply this method. Also, I
like this dating plan because it demystifies dating. Purity culture caused a
lot of hurt for a good number of Christian youth who lived in that era. Yes,
God wants us to be pure but being pure does not guarantee the romance story of
your dreams. In my experience purity culture painted a picture of magic that awaits,
but most who date do not marry the first person they date. It is not always
magical, and it should not be expected to be because we live in a fallen world
and men and women alike struggle with their sin nature. Whether a woman decides
to use this dating plan or not, may God be with you as you trust in Him.
