One of the aspects of my marriage that I have not
blogged about is that my husband has a mental illness. It is not because I am
ashamed or feel it needs to be hidden that I have not written on the topic, but
due to my beliefs on marriage I do not feel it impacts the commitment I made to
him before the Lord. My husband is a Christian mental health advocate and he is
the founder of Christ-Centered Mental Health. As Christians we firmly believe
marriage is a lifetime covenant, but studies have come about showing marriages
where a spouse is mentally ill have divorce rates up to 80% in multiple countries.
My husband and I want to encourage others who are in marriages where there is
mental illness to be strong in those marriages and not to give up on the
covenant that was made before God. And so, we are writing a joint blog post
where we answer 5 questions on being married and dealing with mental illness. I
will be writing from my perspective as a wife without mental illness, and he
will write from the perspective of a husband with mental illness.
The
5 Questions
Do you see your marriage as different from other
marriages because of the mental illness?
My husband disclosed his mental illness to me less
than a week into us getting to know each other. He has schizoaffective
disorder, but he explained how he takes care of his mental health and is
usually stable more than he is unstable because he does take his medication
regularly. This allowed me to be open to the idea of dating him, as it showed
he would be upfront, open, and honest about what is important. As a Christian
my understanding of the world is that sin, death, and decay, and all manners of
illness are a result of the fall of man (Genesis 3). I was never looking for a
perfect husband, I only wanted my husband, and I knew even before marriage that
I would be willing to help care for my husband for as long as God has us on
this earth no matter what illness there may be. With my husband’s illness I
view it is no different than having to take care of a husband with heart
disease or cancer. All people become ill, and my marriage is normal because of
that. I just need to make sure I am prepared to handle the particulars of my
husband’s illness.
Does your spouse worry about how you view them
because of their mental illness?
I know he has expressed this to me, but I continue
to try to show him I love him. I deeply love my husband. He is not perfect, but
he is just right for me. I do not think his illness makes him any less loveable
even with the challenges it brings. I always want him to know he is loved.
Different hardships are trying to a marriage in different ways, but if his
illness was an issue that I was not willing to deal with I would not have
married him, as I fully knew he had this illness within a few days of talking
to him.
Do you worry about how the world views your marriage
because of mental illness?
This is not something I normally think of, but I
would say I am more concerned that the world will try to define my husband by
his mental illness instead of seeing him as the whole being he is. My husband
is a man with his own unique, God given personality. He has likes and dislikes,
hopes and dreams, and loves me the way any good man loves his wife. His illness
may cause him to have some bonkers behavior from time to time, but that is not
his normal life. He leads our home in righteousness before the Lord to the best
of his ability. He is a great husband and I am grateful God brought us
together. On that note, I will say there are those who have tried to bring up
transgressions from his past when he was less stable to try to tear apart our
marriage, but he had informed me of those transgressions before we were married.
When someone tries to use my husband’s illness against him I assure you that
they have done nothing but given me a further reason to love him more, because the
world is against him.
How important is it for your spouse to communicate
their symptoms, and is it always easy?
It is always important for him to let me know when
he is dealing with symptoms from his illness. Sometimes, it is mild, but other
times it is more serious. I find it most helpful if I remain aware of his
symptoms and check in. I always ask how he is feeling. If he goes through something
that may trigger his symptoms, I check in with him and reassure him I am there
for him. It is not always easy for him to communicate his symptoms, because
sometimes he does not notice them. As long as I remain aware of him, sometimes
I might notice before I becomes a full blown episode and this allows him to get
help from his therapist and psychiatrist when necessary.
In what ways has mental illness blessed your marriage?
My husband’s mental illness has brought us closer
together as a couple and in Christ as we learn to deal with the different
challenges. For example, when I first met my husband he was on the wrong dosage
of meds. After marriage, he was put on a medication that almost killed him, but
through that God placed him on the dosage of the meds that allowed him to
function properly as a person. We really saw the hand of God working through
all of this.
_______________________________
For those who are married and are dealing with
mental illness, my husband and I hope this encourages you. Perhaps you can
answer these questions with your spouse as well. No matter how long you have
been married do not give up on your covenant. Remember your promise to remain in sickness and in health, and mental illness is not excluded from this. Go to counseling if you need it,
and may you look at your spouse as lovingly as you did the day you knew you
loved them.
(Read my husband's response.)
